Book Thought Of The Day: Double-Standards For Sons And Daughters?


The weather’s getting ugly, it is getting cold, the daylight hours are ever so elusive, so I’m stuck indoors. That’s the bad news.

The good news is that maybe I can get more reading done.

Today, I’m reading Don’t Hate The Player, Learn The Game – How To Spot Ineligible Eligible Bachelors, by Lyn Lewis.

Lyn makes a point early on in the book that we often develop and approve the player mentally as parents. Therefore, we lay the soil in which the idea of having multiple relationships is acceptable for boys but not for girls. Her example goes something like this:

Son comes home from school and says, “I have five girlfriends!” Dad says, “See, he’s a chip off the old block!” Mom says, “I’m so happy to hear that you are so popular!”

Daughter comes home from school and says, “I have three boyfriends!” Dad says, “It’s not right for a girl to have three boyfriends and you are not even allowed to think about dating until your 18…”. Mom reinforces dad’s comments (after he likely storms away) and says that it isn’t lady-like for a girl to have that many boyfriends as only certain type of women have many boyfriends.

Does that scenario sound familiar? Has a similar scene played out in your home or the home you grew up in?

Lewis’s point is simple. At a very early age, we teach our sons that the more girls he “has”, the better he is as a “man”. Yet when it comes to our daughters, that same behavior is seen with disdain. My show Good Times even highlighted this fact. Let me take some of you back to a promiscuous JJ, who throughout the series was known for having his mind on nothing but girls, juggling one after another. James would come along with that infamous grin and laugh as he saw JJ’s ability with the ladies as an extension of us own masculinity as well. However, when Thelma came in talking about being in love and getting married to Larry, the reaction was, “Girl, what do you know about love?” James blew up, Florida had to calm him down and well, look at his classic reaction to the “nice guy” that his daughter wanted:

Leveling the playing field is not the solution and has never worked in the past. It’s beyond the scope of this article to prove why this is the case. But for now, I’d like to encourage you to examine whether you are creating a player in your home? Are we reinforcing a mentality that tells men that the more women you have, the better? To our daughter are we saying, “You can’t do what the player does, but consider it an honor if he chooses you as one of his girls.”

CSD Thought of the Day: Realize Who You Are To Her

I’ve finally finished Meg Meeker’s book, Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters, and thought it was absolutely extraordinary.

There are so many great thoughts in the book, that I’d like to share a few of them periodically here.

Today’s thought: Realize Who You Are To Her

“When she is a baby, her eyes will search for your face. Her ears will listen for your voice and everything inside her will need to answer only one question, “Daddy, are you here?” If you are there, her body will grow better. Her IQ will start to rise, her development will track where it is supposed to, but more important, she will realize that life is good because you love her. You are her introduction to love; you are love itself.”

It’s been quite a few years since my little girls were in the baby stage. But I still remember those days. There was something about seeing them and knowing that one my roles would be as the protector of her heart, mind and body. The ground that I lay in her life in regards to love will determine how love is perceived and grows in all the other areas of her life.

Dad’s this is definitely one of those areas where both of you will reap what you sow.

So what kind of ground will you sow today? What kind of “soil of love” (I know that sounds cheesy, but it fit) are you creating in her life?

I remember I missed class because of the birth of my first daughter. Dr. Lyn Lewis, my professor at the time, told me that I would have a larger impact on the life of my daughter than my wife would. Over eleven years later, I realize how truly right she was and I’m still trying to make sure that impact is far more positive, than negative.

How about you?

If you have an adult daughter, how did you do and do you have any advice for the rest of us CSDs? Let us know in the comments below!


Washington Watch Exclusive: The Parents Of Slain Florida Teen Trayvon Martin Speak Out

I will deal with this story and issue soon. In the meantime, I wanted to post this video from Washington Watch, as it knocks down all the stereotypes that I’m sure people are looking for. Many times people will say, “Well, I’m sure something happened to make that guy act that way” or “Maybe the kid was threatening to the man”.

What saddens me the most is that my son and I were just visiting the Orlando area exactly one month ago. I gave him more freedom while we were away than I normally would at home since his other siblings were not there. My heart rate increases when I ponder on the “what-ifs” like, “What if neighborhood watch would have been following him when he was making the one-mile walk to his cousin’s house?” “What if something would have happened when he was out playing football and on his way home just before dark?”

I think I would be thinking just like Trayvon Martin’s dad said in the above video, he would have been waiting on me to protect him, and I would not have been there.

My mentor Dr. Lyn Lewis used to say something to the affect that black men grow up knowing that they are one step from jail or dead, no matter who they are or what they do in life.

I’ll echo another saying she’d say, that’s some good Sociology right there, because this Trayvon Martin murder proves her point. Good kid, good parents, smart, athlete, but still dead like a L.A. gang member.

Lets keep the heat on this story before it gets swept away by more important things like what the Duchess of Cambridge is wearing or what Peyton Manning is doing.

Photograph: Matt Dunham/AP